Review: 'Texas Chainsaw' (2013)

"Texas Chainsaw" expands the Texas Chainsaw Massacre mythology in shit-like precision. I don't think I ever saw a 3D movie as badly rendered as it, and one which story sucks my brain dry. The main gist of it all is that Leatherface (borrowing Dan Yeager's physique this time) is a total loser. Being a huge fan of the franchise, it hits me like an insult. It basically disregards the pre-existing sequels and retells a whole new saga. Oh, kill me. I mean, true, the subsequent TCM movies after the 1974 Tobe Hooper classics weren't really as good, but if you look at this pointless (and no question bloody) remake/sequel, you'll hate yourself for watching it.

The main reason behind my disgust about the movie is its storytelling. We are warped back in the '74 setting in which the iconic, terrifying massacre occurred. The police arrive and confront the Sawyers (Leatherface's family) and in a nutshell start a massacre of their own. The movie thrives on making us hate the townspeople more than our chainsaw-weilding villain but we can't hate the filmmakers more. They must think that we are terminally stupid to not think about the time difference. 1974 to 2012 will mean a 32-year old lead character, who is, by the way looks like a young china doll, crafted to perfection with incredible, round boobs. She's not the logical 32-year old woman, but she could work.

Except she didn't. We didn't care for her at all. I think I rooted for her character to find bloody demise. I wanted her to suffer, just so her breast would bounce like crazy. Her name is Heather (Alexandra Daddario) who gathers her friends for a Texan trip to collect her inheritance from a grandmother she never knew existed. There's no sniffing or chugging happening here, but those who like that kind of horror can settle for Heather's wardrobe which I presume is populated with clothes that require showing her ripped stomach. Once they arrive at the house, bodies start to pile. Leatherface, apparently, is in.

As I've mentioned - and I dare to repeat it again - the 3D render here is thus far one of the worst I've seen. "Avatar: The Last Airbender" still sits on the Worst 3D Movie throne, but "Texas Chainsaw" is a pretty tight runner-up. I knew from the title credits that the 3D version will suck arse. We are reminded of the events from the original classic with scenes which is edited for 3D like a five year-old. Being this is a movie with a chainsaw-wielding psycho, they also had to throw a chainsaw at us. I fvcking hate 3D, was my reaction to that brisk but unbelievable punishing moment.

This movie is scary. Not because the tired, damned jump-scares are very effective, but because things turn out horrible. I understand why singers try to break into acting, because they can. Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and even Justin Timberlake proved themselves credible, but someone by the name of Trey Songz hasn't. Sure, acting school can get you somewhere - maybe show less abs and more talent - but for now, sad to say, you just can't. The same can be said with the rest of the teenagers, who say hellos and goodbyes in their blood-soaked deaths.

John Luessenhop ("Lockdown") directs well, but what can you get out of a story like "Texas Chainsaw," really? Right. Strangely, critics praise the movie because of the brave move it takes to expand the franchise's mythos. Well, I think it's not brave of a sheep to jump off a cliff and hope that in the middle of his fall he could fly. Sheep-cotton wings? It's stupid. And pointless.

RATING: 1 star (out of 4)

Review: 'Evil Dead' (2013)

It's both fantastic and terrible that critics seek the resourceful, incredible DIY beauty of the 80's original in Fede Alvarez's "Evil Dead." It's downright silly. This modern retelling of Sam Raimi's classic pop art, after all, is naturally very different. The dark, twisted humor that drew the classic a considerably big following is cut off but is well compensated with tons of red fluids. The fine line between the two movies I infer is this: Raimi's "The Evil Dead" is a phenomenally original and entertaining horror flick; Alvarez's "Evil Dead" is, above all, a masturbatory vomitorium.

Alvarez's remake (or sequel?) is effective because he knows when to pay tribute in, and when to instill his own breath to the movie. Loyal fans will however note that this feels not an Evil Dead movie at all, but pieces of other horror classics patched together. ("The Exorcist" will come to mind easily, after that your mommy sucks cocks in Hell liner) Well, I say it's a way of expanding the mythos for the franchise - and one that works pretty well.

The (literal) storm of blood will definitely please those who love gore and will grit the teeth of those who don't. I'm standing in the middle of those two, and I can say that the gore isn't there to merely gross us out, but to wow us as well. Both this and Raimi's original are exhibitions of the filmmakers's talents. In a world full of terrible CGI, the former used pure, practical effects; in a world full of big, bloodier productions (then), the latter settled for clay stop-animations that are no less excruciating and fun.

Jane Levy ("Suburgatory") plays our heroine, Mia, who along with her friends set out to an abandoned cabin. Levy, next to the blood-soaked violence, is one of the movie's bigger commodities. Her manic, nervous energy - like she's always about to have a breakdown - makes us care for her and her kindhearted friends. See, Mia is a junkie who had a previous lethal experience with drugs. We watch as she tosses a pack of heroin and while its already a big step, her friends want to only be sure. This makes the characters humans that we care for and not mere bodies that pile up.

But of course - a horror movie, make it a good or a bad one, is a horror movie just the same. And one of the bigger dimwits in the movie is played by Lou Taylor Pucci. He's supposedly the smarter type, but there he sat in front of a study desk, opened the secured Necronomicon (in barbed-wired garbage bag and all), and read it aloud.

Idiot.

This has lead to the inevitable huge frenzy of red fluids, some excruciatingly detailed mutilations and an ambiguous, less depressing vine rape scene. This is what I liked about "Evil Dead:" we found a distinct, new voice for a story that we forever loved. I long married Sam Raimi's impossibly creative cult classic, and forever it will be a spouse to me; but "Evil Dead," a stylish and creepy take on the original, can be my worthy mistress.

RATING: 3 stars (out of 4)

Review: 'Identity Thief' (2013)

As a man who hungrily waited to see a comedy lead-starring Melissa McCarthy, I believe my disappointment is most valid. "Identity Thief" easily sounds decent if recycled, but upon watching proves an overlong, underwhelming comedy, given the talent involved. McCarthy plays Diana, a con-woman who lives to steal the identity (and credit cards) of random people stupid enough to give their social security numbers away too easy.

Her latest victim is Sandy Patterson (played by Jason Bateman), the typical bug-eyed, family-driven who for some reason you really like despite his irregular levels of stupidity. He works in the financial industry and one afternoon an unregistered number flashed on his phone. He jabbed the green button. An eccentric, bubbly voice greeted him. "Hello. I'm from the Identity-Something-Protection-Agency. As you may have gathered, I made that name up. You actually should be hanging up right now, but oh...you're not. Erm, okay...what's your social security number?"

And sure, our Sandy recites his number after thinking about it twice for two, long seconds. This gave Diana everything she needs to produce credit cards her his low-tech and impossibly nifty tools of trade. Diana, now posing as Sandy, buys everything she sees in the mall. Diana buys more than eight dozens of rounds of alcohol for random strangers. In short: for only a few days, Diana makes Sandy broke and jobless.

What follows is a pointless odd couple trip that includes an awkward three-way sex, a supposed-to-be lethal snake bite, and a handful of vehicular incidents. Seth Gordon (of last year's "Horrible Bosses") begin with his distinguished screwball comedy. Our characters are (implausibly) thrown to a farcical situation that is one-two uses overused. The nasty, uneven comedy occasionally works but when Gordon tries to instill a dramatic air to the movie, things just went bad to worse. He picks our brain out and seem to forget to put it back.

There are great comedic moments, sure, but nothing that compensates enough for the movie's flaws. I recall a scene in which McCarthy's character tries to clear up to Bateman's character's wife (Amanda Peet) that her husband is a perfect gentleman. McCarthy has great comedic fuel, though she is best in making petty things funny and awkward. Think of her as the Stephen King for comedic timing.

The plot is a complete mess; the ending is a shoehorned feel-good one. Like a class clown telling a complete farcical story to his class mates. Okay, I have my fun. The end. Most call this lazy filmmaking - and it probably is; I call it a movie McCarthy doesn't deserve.

RATING: 1.5 stars (out of 4)

Review: 'Trance' (2013)

The thing about "Trance" is that it's a Danny Boyle film. A director of lesser talent will make the movie nothing more than a murky, twisty, multi-layered story of greed and lust. (In shorter terms, a mediocre "Inception" riff-attempt.) And being it's a movie by the Oscar-winning director ("Slumdog Millionaire"), you're most rightly to expect more and thus, a wee bit dissatisfied.

The movie opens with Simon (James McAvoy), an assistant auctioneer in London who helps pull off an art heist. At first look you will learn that this guy is corrupted. You look at him and you see a man wearing layers of sanity, underneath which are even more layers of insanity. He is employed by Franck (Vincent Cassel), a lead hustler who knocks him unconscious after he, for some reason, sticks away from the plan in the middle of the heist.

When the valuable painting that they stole turns up missing, Simon, who now suffers memory loss, is summoned to Franck's hideout. An excruciating torture sequence includes peeling off fingernails. When there's almost no fingernail left to peel off, Franck decides that torture is useless and decides that hypnotherapy by an if-she-was-a-burning-oven-I-would-still-touch-her sexy psychiatrist (Rosario Dawson) might do the trick. Elizabeth Lamb, after all, can get anything in and out of your head.

Dawson gives a towering performance by sustaining a cool air of mystery that she surrounds her character with. You find it difficult to determine her real motivations and her real part to the story. (Just as much as I find it difficult to describe her physical attributes without sounding a complete pervert. I remember a scene in particular in which we can see all of her. Let's face it: that fleeting moment, for us guys, is one of the most hypnotic parts of the movie.) 

Boyle's master execution, of course, contribute most into this hypnotic effect. His mismatched framing suggest that something isn't right, that something not right is bound to happen; and abstract compositions bring us a sense of delicious discomfort. The cinematography by Anthony Dod Mantle ("127 Hours," "Antichrist") shouldn't surprise you. You know what the guy can do. But then there are visual moments in "Trance" that you are only dead if you don't learn to appreciate.

Arguments come about this movie. Some proclaim it as Boyle's less philosophic work; some defend it. Some compare it to Steven Soderbergh's "Side Effects" being no more than an exercise of talent. I'm yet to see Soderbergh's new movie but with what Boyle successfully pulled off with this movie - given the material that it has - I'm becoming more excited. Sure, there are still flaws, but "Trance" is a movie that is entertaining and hypnotic - if you will - just the same.

RATING: 3 stars (out of 4)

Who Said That in What Movie? (May 2013) - Pinoy Edition

Hello, everyone!

Each first week of the month I post a quote from a Filipino movie which you are to guess. Those who will guess it right won't bring home any money but I will dutifully promote in the next week's WSTIWM post. I also post the answer to the previous mystery quote. Here goes.

The quote from last month's WSTIWM is from "The Wizard of Oz" (1939) said by Margeret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

Sadly and quite strangely, no one got it right. Anyway, here is the clip from the movie.


This month's Filipino mystery quote is something that should not even come as unfamiliar as everyone. Many of us already watched this movie, given that your mother is very insistent, or we just have a terrible cable movie channel which plays a movie over and over again. Anyway, here it is.

"Get out of my house. I don't need a parasite."

Pretty intense, huh? Guess away and good luck! Also, mind my game guidelines so that you don't spoil the fun!

Review: 'Kiss of the Damned' (2013)

The moment Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia, whose acting more and more improves) locks his sight on the beautiful Djuna (Josephine de La Baume), there is a certain click. In fact, he ignores the fact that Djuna is a bona fide vampire. He even offers to turn himself to a vampire so they could both live in happy ever after. He is, by all obvious means, spellbound.

"Kiss of the Damned" is a homage to the true skin of vampire genre. Vampires are erotic, will-kill-you-no-matter-what creatures that live in darkness. They may have conscience, but they have greater thirst for blood; which always wins. They are also part-human, so I gather it's humane of them to only take animal blood for food (because human blood would be cannibalism?). Almost all vampires in "Kiss" live in glamorous goth outfits and late-night dinner parties, blending in.

There is an exception to this, of course. A titillating vampire named Mimi (Roxane Mesquida) comes in the picture and, in her own "Desperate Housewives"-esque ways, makes this particular faction of vampire crumble. She drinks human blood, which should not be a surprise. She's the type of vampire whose inner mantra I assume is I'm the bigger fish. I'll eat the smaller fish. There's logic in that. Regardless, she's no less sexy.

Alexandra "Xan" Cassavetes ("Z Channel") writes and directs this stylized if simplistic vampire movie. There are a lot of steamy scenes in this movie, but its plot, like vampire skin, is plain cold and pale. There is great benefit if Cassavetes used richer and more complex character, but really, this one is already satisfying - if a wee bit messy, still.

The acting-head of Djuna's vampire group is Xenia (Anna Mouglalis), a popular theater actress. You can only imagine all the auditions she could have missed since she can only walk under the moon, unless she wants to burn to roast, that is. I remember in particular a scene of her in which Mimi brings in a nervous fan, tricks her with a broken wine glass, and had the fan's mouth bleed. Xenia, of course, is tempted and lost. She drains the poor fangirl dry.

Here is a vampire movie with appropriate themes. It's about temptation, and how, we as humans, more than less, surrender to these. It's not the perfect movie but it's one to make the "Twilight" movies suck blood from its own throat to death.

RATING: 2.5 stars (out of 4)

Review: 'The Hunger Games' (2012)

There are many arguments involving "The Hunger Games," a dystopic tween-adventure that is understandably loved by teenagers and strangely approved by parents. Parents apparently now accept teen violence as child-friendly entertainment. You want to slit your backstabbing friend's throat, sweetheart? Watch this. Learn how to do it right, I imagine them saying.

I speak too soon, of course: this movie is so much more than that.

Based on the first book in a trilogy by Suzanne Collins, the movie is set in a future America, divided by twelve districts. There was a huge rebellion that happened seventy-plus years ago that is no less blood-soaked than what game we are about to witness. Peace eventually emerged and as punishment for rebellion, the districts are to send a pair of male and female tributes each year. These tributes are then to enter a vicious bloodsport known simply as The Hunger Games.

As I'm sure you already gathered, the plot sounds very much like previous movies like "The Lord of the Flies" and "Battle Royale." Both showcases unbelievable governments making children fight to the death. Both are also based on books. I'm pretty sure Collins already read "Lord of the Flies," though she denies of knowing anything about "Battle Royale" before she first published her book. It could be true or not, but really, it doesn't matter. That's how art works. Picasso even supports this fact. Google it.

But then again, Picasso's time isn't littered of copy-paste and terrible literature. It's just a good thing Collin's "Hunger Games" isn't any of that.

The central role goes to Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen. Katniss volunteers as tribute after her younger sister Primrose (Willow Shields) is chosen. She comes with her male opposite Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) in the Capitol (where the Games are annually held), having only a teensy bit of chance of coming out alive. Both actors are fantastic, but Lawrence, as our reluctant heroine, is as breathtaking as when a wizard takes away breaths! What?

Gary Ross ("Pleasantville") directs this movie hit-or-miss-ly. It's real mercy that there are a lot more hits than misses. He makes use of moving his camera a lot, which usually works, as most of the scenes in the movie are exhilarating. But then, there are times that you wished he hadn't done this. When two of your characters are in a calm, peaceful exchange of dialogue, please don't move the camera like crazy! We as audience need to breathe too.

"The Hunger Games" uses teenagers to present a story with mature and profound themes. Here is the reason why we suddenly call Young Adult fiction...New Adult.

RATING: 3 stars (out of 4)